Follow-up to the post below… Read that one first if you haven’t yet…
Oprah’s questions played it nice. Really. While I think that most of them are of importance, I certainly don’t think they cover all of the bases. So, here in no particular order, are my additions…. From the beginning…
1. Can you handle the fact that your partner has had other relationships before you and do you know ALL about these relationships? What made them work? What made them fail? Can you get over any jealousy you feel about the past?
2. What is it about your partner that you’re REALLY attracted to? If it’s just their hot ass then say so…. and be prepared when that doesn’t last.
3. What happens if one of you gets really sick? Or fat? Or has an accident that leaves you as a vegetable? Seriously… While the “not until death do us part” bit might sound good right now, it’s somewhat ambitious. The hottie that is sleeping next to you these days IS going to change whether you like it or not. And, unfortunately, your partner may not be able to change what happens to them or their hottness. Life happens. Be realistic about that.
4. Do you want kids? What if one of you already has kids? How with the step-parent (I hate that word but it’s all that works in this instance) treat the kids? How should those kids treat the step-parent? What if one of you can’t have kids? How do you feel about adoption? Artificial insemination? How many kids is enough? Who, if anyone, will get “fixed” (spayed or neutered in the animal world) when you’re finished having kids? What happens if your child or children have a disability when they are born or develop one later? What religion, if any, do you want your children to be raised with? What about morality?
5. What happens if someone cheats? How do you feel about infidelity? Can it be overcome or is it a deal breaker? Does it make a difference who you cheat with? Would open marriage ever be an option? For most women, it’s not. But, you should certainly know beforehand if it’s your partners dream (aka something they might try to force you into down the road).
6. How would you handle long-term separation? For instance, if it became necessary to live separately for awhile due to work or other obligations would it be a deal breaker for you or your partner? Could you be faithful to your partner while one of you was away for an extended time period? How would you maintain a relationship, or lack thereof, during such a separation?
7. How do you feel about drugs and/or alcohol? While many people do “stuff” together while they’re dating, family life tends to make that sort of stuff necessarily obsolete at times. If your partner doesn’t stop, how are you going to feel? How much is too much? Are you an everything in moderation person? Or, do you believe that someone should act differently when they are attached?
8. Along those same lines, are you going to expect your partner to abandon their friends and interests because they’re with you? How about friends of the same sex? How about ex-lovers? Most people don’t want their partner hanging out with their ex’s. Even if you don’t want to seem jealous, it’s better to be honest that it bothers you… Hell, it bothers me and I’ve been on BOTH sides of this fence.
9. How much sex is enough sex? OK… So, Oprah’s quiz asked this one too. But, I am going to take it a step farther (or possibly 10 steps depending upon how much of a prude you are… kids skip this question… there’s my fair warning). What happens if you aren’t getting enough? How do you feel about giving oral sex and how important to you is to also receive? What about some of the other taboo subjects? How do you “get your kink on” and does your partner know and accept all of your sexual wants/needs/doings?
10. What are your “deal breakers”? I think everyone has these. My parents during one of our many relationship talks (since I am so miserable at this sort of stuff I am used to getting lots of advice) told me somewhere along the way that everyone has a line that they won’t cross. Many people, myself included, will walk through hell with the proverbial gasoline soaked pants on to make a relationship work. But, even people like me have some sort of breaking point- a point that when reached they can’t be pushed across. I think it’s healthy to have deal breakers and to have your partner know exactly how far you can be pushed. Allowing yourself to be pushed past them would be simply co-dependent and detrimental at best.
11. What happens if you decide you simply can’t live together? Even people that think they have it all together sometimes fail. And, sometimes I hear they even remain friends afterwards (I know… hard to believe). If the unthinkable, or inevitable if you’re talking to a skeptic like me, happens, how will you both proceed? Who gets what? Kids go where with which parent? How will you handle co-parenting while living apart? Etc. I could write a book on divorce alone and I won’t bore you with all of those details since it might not even be needed within this list. But, it’s certainly worth discussing before the sparks fly and the attorneys have to be called in. Hell… Even better… Sign a pre-nup.
And that, my friends, is the extent of my rotten advice. Actually, I am sure I could ramble on for hours about how you aren’t going to change someone (yourself included), etc., etc., freakin’ etc. and how that’s the downfall to most relationships. But, if you communicate, you don’t even need that much advice. And, if you do, see a real shrink because your problems need to be addressed in a much deeper way (yep… that’s me… the pot calling the kettle black).